by Beatrice Kirubi
I was on my way to work when I received a phone call. The caller was my childhood friend Phyllis. After exchanging greetings, she gave me very clear instructions – Please pass by Dr. Kamau’s office (a Gynecologist) and book me an appointment. Make sure I am among the first five patients in his register.
This was not the first time I had made a booking for Phyllis. Dr. Kamau’s clinic is next to my office. He is a very popular fertility specialist. His busy clinic opens at 8.00am and closes at 10 p.m. If you don’t get to the clinic early and make a booking, you will spend the whole day waiting in line at the reception. My friend Phyllis is a born again Christian who got married in 2000 but has never had any children.
There are more women suffering from infertility these days. In Kenya, it is estimated that two in every 10 people suffer from one form of infertility or another. It seems an issue we want to sweep under the carpet yet it has an effect on a woman’s career progression. What happens when an adult woman does not follow the script – Get married, get children, live happily ever after? What if she gets married and does not get children, how will this impact her? Is she less of a leader? I had a chat with my friend Phyllis and she had the following to say on the matter.
How has it been to be married without children for that long time?
It’s been tough, very tough. I was raised and got married in church. I was a virgin, kept myself pure for my husband. I looked forward to becoming a mother. But after 5 years of trying, it finally dawned on me that I should seek help.
Has this impacted your career in any way?
Infertility touches all areas of your life including career. It has consumed my every waking moment. It becomes hard to balance your career and your quest to be a mother. And guess what, nobody talks about it! Nobody researches on the effects of infertility on a woman’s career. You google it and let me know.
The company employee benefit basket is suited for families with children i.e. medical benefits for up to three children, school fees for dependents etc. There is no option to substitute, so in essence, if you don’t have children, you are the one losing out. Under the medical cover, fertility treatments are very costly and are not covered, hence I have to pay out-of-my-own-pocket.
Trying for a baby takes over your life. It demands a lot of your time. You take a cocktail of medicine. Some of the medicine affects your mood, others make you sick. You monitor your body temperatures. You self-inject with fertility injections. You watch what you eat. You can’t get stressed. You live for the ovulation date that is only a matter of hours and the opportunity is lost. You and your spouse can’t be apart. You can’t travel. You need to be near home so you can run home to have sex if the ovulation happens during the day. Imagine the excuses you have to keep giving in the office as to why you suddenly have to leave and cancel important meetings or why you are in a bad mood?
How does this affect your work schedules?
You are constantly away from your desk. For example, if you opt for IVF, you need time for retrieval and take time to rest after embryo transfer into the womb.
It affects you emotionally and psychologically. Infertility treatments are invasive, in that the treatments has to be injected into the uterus. You can’t just go through such a treatment and go back to the office to chair a board meeting! If a cycle fails, you are devastated, but again, you can’t share this with work lest you feed the grape vine. Yet you still have to keep your head high and continue pushing your work targets. Constant doctor’s appointments are a must. You literally live at the doctor’s clinic. At the same time, you worry that your absenteeism will get you fired, yet you need the money. Infertility is stressful and expensive. I call it juggling your career and infertility!
What about your career growth?
I have been in sales and marketing for 10 years. Even though it’s an entry level job, it gives me the flexibility I need. I am a qualified accountant, which would mean a desk job. I have declined many career advancement opportunities especially if they mean less flexibility. I need to be where I want with minimum supervision. My friends whom we graduated with at the same time moved on to mid-level management. I appear unmotivated, yet I am a very driven, results-oriented person. I also fear changing employers. I am in a comfort zone that allows me to juggle my career and baby making goals. In another company, I would be earning much more, but would I have the time to show up at the doctors for all my appointments and blood work?
Does this affect you reward and career advancement?
Yes. So much. People have this perception that I don’t need a lot of money! Why would I need all that money yet I don’t have serious needs (diapers, school fees, nanny, daycare etc.)
How are you viewed as a leader?
My leadership skills are questioned. I am told I need to have more empathy and work on my emotional intelligence. I think a woman’s emotional intelligence is equated to motherhood. My direct reports think I can’t relate to their parenting challenges. For example, when they have to be away from work to attend to their children school events. If I question, it is immediately blamed on my not having children. I may not have children of my own, but I have nieces and nephews. I am not daft! I know how long it takes in parents-teacher meeting, clinic, hospital visit etc.
Would it then be advisable to tell your boss what you are going through?
I can’t say a blanket yes or no. I think it’s a case by case basis. It may help as then they would understand your constant absentee and mood swings (some fertility drugs have such effects). But on the flip side, it would mean that in 9 months’ time, you will need to take maternity leave. Will you then be passed over for promotion, assignments or projects due to this? It’s a risk only you can weigh depending on your situation and evaluation of your boss.
How can we make the workplace a better place for those struggling with infertility?
I would ask for empathy and not pity. Be sensitive with your words. Never put down their problem with careless statements like ‘You don’t know how it is to be a mother. I hate being pregnant! How long are you going to try?’ Just be empathetic. Know they are trying, but cannot discuss it with you, so you may have to overlook their absenteeism and mood swings. Don’t give advice unless you are invited to.
Lets all be supportive of those trying to conceive.
Ladies, infertility does not mean the end of a fulfilling life. You can make it.
